An Enquiry into the Duties of the Male Gender — Pt. 4
Women
“Unsex me here” — Macbeth, Shakespeare
Women are not a different species. It feels redundant to have to spell that out, but this fact has been called into question so often of late it seems necessary to have to restate it. Women are of the species ‘homo sapien’, just like men. This is said just to make this fact clear so the discussion to follow is on solid ground.
The news of Barbie being a smash hit in 2023 was heartening news to many, puzzling news to some and a declaration of war to a few. This is not the place for a film review and gallons of digital ink and terabytes of data have already been spilled in deconstructing the blockbuster success of that movie, but despite it being a colourful, light-hearted comedy the fact remains it was deemed ‘controversial’ by some. Those ‘some’ being men fiercely defending other men from the anti-masculine sentiment of the film. What’s truly hilarious about this is that, all the Barbie movie did was reverse the gender roles in Barbieland. Apparently seeing how women are treated by cinema, and society more broadly, from the other side was too much for those men, but it does show how little considered men’s attitude towards women is in day to day life.
Given the previously discussed individualism of traditional masculinity, this makes sense. Nobody, let alone women, are incorporated into the defining of the archetypal ‘Man’. In this way, women are seen as the opposite of men. Given the mainstream response to the film, Barbie, in a very real way, reveals that women are seen as antagonists to men. This is clearly deeply unhealthy.
This current polarisation helps reveal the underlying anger over the existence of Trans people that has so taken over public discourse lately. By keeping men and women as separate entities this leaves no room for the existence of human beings that do not conform to these imagined categories. Calling men and women ‘imagined categories’ feels (and sounds) provocative but it isn’t. Trans people have existed as long as humans have existed and the hard and fast binaries of gender are a relatively recent social boundary.
Just like we tried to define masculinity in the first essay of this series and found it to be riddled with contradictions, hypocrisy and flawed thinking, so are any concrete boundaries around what femininity is. Even in the current, antagonistic discourse as it stands today those demanding precise and separate genders can’t seem to make up their minds. Any man who does not perform his duties to individualistic masculinity is told they aren’t a real man, or, more bluntly, that they are a ‘girl’. This shows us A) The contempt in which women are held to be used as an insult and B) That, apparently, gender IS a matter of perspective and can be altered at any point in someone’s life. And its is precisely this understanding of gender that makes so many men (and women) so violently angry towards Trans people, their existence calls into question what these people feel is a core aspect of their identity. These men especially seem angered that the status quo — be that hard gender binaries or the subjugation of women — could be so easily upset.
It’s also just rubbish anyway. The existence of a Trans person affects everyone else in absolutely no way, and women aren’t the exact opposite to men. As stated, women are human beings too, not some alien species with foreign needs and desires. The fact men, and consequently society, treat women so differently is a product of choices by those with power throughout history (i.e. men), who do not wish to lose that power, forcing women into a subservient role for millennia.
There is no ‘natural’ social role for women. Just because women are the ones who bear children does not mean they should be treated like dogs who make you dinner every night. People gravitate towards specific roles based on their personal strengths or interests. Despite what Victorian texts might say, women are not inherently mysterious, duplicitous, over or under-sexed, selfish, needy, or any of the other vile accusations that seem to be resurfacing today. At least no more than any man has the capacity to be. Women are human beings, just like Men and Trans or non-Binary people. Demanding people stay in a role created for them by a system that actively oppresses them is why there seems to be such open conflict in public discourse today.
The ‘Sexual Marketplace’, as it has been dubbed by idiots, is a microcosm of the contemporary battle of the sexes. Look at any On-the-Street post on social media, where a twenty year old asks deliberately provocative people about the sexual preferences or “icks”, and you will see the entirely arbitrary conflict writ large. Women are asked what men need to do to woo them, men are asked what women want, or women are asked about the importance of penis size, while men are asked about feminine hygiene products. Meanwhile, Tindr, Plenty of Fish and the many other dating apps, have turned courtship into a video game like Pokémon where you, for some reason, gotta catch ’em all. Any discussion about sexual politics today is framed in this deliberately antagonistic way because this, we are told, is how it is.
It isn’t.
We need to dispense with this unproductive and dangerous belief that “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. Ultimately this is what feminism represents, equity and parity between the sexes but this is seen as a threat to masculinity due to complete misinformation. A paper by the University of Sussex showed the long held belief that women talk more than men is erroneous, for instance. Some men described the Barbie movie as “man-hating” and demanded it be boycotted, in much the same way as those same men demanded the all-female remake of Ghostbusters be destroyed before it was even released and they had seen the film. The assumption that any attempt to boost representation for women is seen as the destruction of masculinity says a great deal about certain men’s fear about the repercussions of women’s treatment over the years. The Barbie movie is the bare minimum of resistance to gender stereotypes and it would appear a lot of men know this. Women would be well within their rights to be a lot less patient with patriarchal structures so it is no wonder the response to any resistance is so swift and so aggressive. Not only does all this cause so much harm to women, as is so often pointed out, it is damaging to men too.
Depicting any form of emotional display as ‘womanly’ and that being called a woman is an insult, equates to men having no viable outlet for their emotions except for the limited scope of ‘manly’ pursuits. Demanding men be the sole bread winners in an economy that requires anyone living alone to have two jobs just to get by, results in father’s and family providers who take their own lives with less than £5 in their bank. Forcing men into a limited sphere of sports or interests and out of others (football is for men, ballet is for women etc) prevents men from an enjoyable way of getting exercise or simply just an outlet for their creativity. The deconstruction of traditional ideas of masculinity should be seen as the desperate, life or death struggle that it is, but instead it is treated as a combative movement designed to ostracise men. Again, it isn’t.
Women are not the enemy. Women are not “by nature” cruel or vindictive. Women are not another species whose desires we cannot fathom. They are as complex and unknowable as every man on earth. A myth has developed, mainly online, that men are “simple creatures” (see previous essay for why that isn’t true) and that we should be left alone to enjoy uncomplicated pleasures like throwing rocks into rivers. It shouldn’t need to be stated why it’s a myth but the idea that no woman has wanted to throw stones into water seems, at best, flawed, at worst, powerfully stupid. A lot of these misunderstandings by men, who look for understandings of women from other men, could be unpicked if they spent any time with women at all, but due to the combative nature of any interaction between men and women that is out of the question. The only interactions between men and women, we are told, are for sex or as servant. This needs to change.
To men who see women in this way, or even simply that they do no “understand” women, talk to a woman — they aren’t hard to find, they make up more than half the population of the planet — with no preconceptions. If they are a stranger don’t be creepy. Introduced yourself and ask if they are happy to talk. Don’t talk to them about sex or even the differences between your genders, just talk to them and understand that this is a person not a representative of the species ‘WOMAN’. Then talk to another woman. And another. Build a series of non-sexual relationships with women and you will be amazed how quickly you develop a far more nuanced understanding of the similarities between you and them. Most men don’t even need to go looking for a women they are not in a relationship with. For me, I grew up in a household run by my mother and with two sisters. I never differentiated my friendships between ‘male friends’ and ‘female friends’ I just had friends, and an even number of my best platonic friends are women.
As I keep saying, it feels stupid to have to spell this out but apparently it is necessary, but it isn’t each individual man’s fault. We are brought up in a society that treats women this way. It is everywhere we look, in our TV shows, movies, magazines, books, political exchanges, news programmes, classrooms, sports, even our own families. The problem occurs if we do not interrogate this problem and don’t listen to women when they draw our attention to it. Then it is your fault. You cannot help the system you are born into but you can help remaining inside it. This is what it means to be an ally, doing the work to unpick your own ingrained misogyny and working to remove it from others and the system you inhabit. When you are confronted with the disparity and conflict between genders and your response is to double down on the current system, you are part of the problem. Don’t be part of the problem.
Like everything in life, it is this simple, but it isn’t that easy. Breaking down centuries of patriarchy isn’t solved by recognising the treatment of the Kens in Barbie is a reflection of how women are treated today. It is a long slow process of analysing your behaviours and attitudes towards women and correcting them. When women correct you, they aren’t evil bitches, they are telling you what isn’t acceptable. You aren’t a bad person, but you are exhibiting bad behaviour that should be corrected. You’re a grown up and are being treated like a grown up, take the criticism like a grown up. You’ll get it wrong a lot, and will continue to get it wrong for a long time. It is unlikely you will ever be truly rid of internalised misogyny but not even making a start is far worse. We all can do better and acting like we have it solved is just as bad as doing nothing. I offer this advice as someone still learning and still getting it wrong.
The evidence of the growing antagonism between the sexes is everywhere and deescalation is the only way this is going to get better. As stated in the previous essay, it is a diversity of input that creates a deep and complex person, and this includes diversity of company. Seeing women as friends — or even just people, as the bar seems to be set so low right now — would be a major step for most men today.
Women are not the problem. Women are not at fault. Women are people. Please, if you take nothing else from this essay, remember this. Everyone’s life will be better for it.
